An open letter to Florida. We don’t say it enough.

florida postcard

Hey Florida! What’s up? Has anything exciting happened lately?

My whole life you’ve been impressive at not impressing anyone, but the last 15 years you’ve been off the chain. Wow! So many highlights. You came hard out the box with the 2000 election rigging smash and grab job you pulled.  Little bro Jeb Bush for the slam dunk out of nowhere? Whaaaaaaat! There’s a brother Jeb too!? Boom. That year several Florida precincts conveniently required two photo IDs to vote, which many local citizens do not have. The requirement under Florida law was always one photo ID.  Just before the election, a law was passed requiring two which posed a special difficulty for low-income or elderly voters who did not have drivers licenses or other photo IDs nor enough time to get them. Along with several other insanely shady maneuvers, that election was handed to big bro George ‘dubya’ Bush and the Bush fuckery wagon trekked on for four more years. That was a sight to see. Hanging chads? Hahahahah do you just make this shit up? Haaaaa! You clever son of bitch you.

Oh man, and who can forget the Oxycontin Exress! That’s doing wonders for the whole East Coast. Thank you so much for that.  Don’t think we haven’t noticed the several tons of Cocaine you import each year either, we see you. You’ve been putting in work forever though. Remember this lack of awesomeness? This is a great shot of you at your best.

floridaeileian resize

This year though! THIS YRRRR THOUGH, THIS YEAR RIGHT HRRRR SON! What can we really say. Not only are you’re politicians super star un-holy fuck up’s but now some of your regular citizens are really settin it off, changin the game.  You’re bench goes deep, for real, Casey Anthony, Zimmerman and now rookie racist murderer of the year Micheal Dunn (Let’s not forget the damage Limp Bizkit and Creed have caused.)  Wow again. The real credit goes the those jury’s of stand up Floridians that just can’t stop proving my point. It’s their contribution that really goes unnoticed.  After reveling in the glory of your shitbaggery I think it’s time someone said it. Your place in history has been sealed as the best at being the worst imaginable. Please fall into the ocean as soon as possible.  Plus you really do look like a limp dick.  Congrats. ~Hensley


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